Sunday, 28 June 2015

2015 is awesome- and it's only half finished!

Okay- this post is going to be long. No one's gonna read it. I'm really just writing it for myself so I can stop writing about this once and for all. I also say 'incredible' a lot. I'm sorry. Enjoy.

I don't want to make another 'Wow, incredibly awesome things keep happening for me this year' post. I also don't want to make an overly formal impersonal yet personal post. I don't know. I feel like I'm bragging at this point when I want to share what's going on, or maybe I'm not used to things going consistently well? And I'm shocked? And I need to tell people about it? I'm not sure.

Let's re-outline again why 2015 has been so goddamn cool just one last time because I'm pinching myself. This will also lead us on to why 2016 will probably be stellar. I'll talk about that around new years or something.

I got my second job around Christmas time last year, but I got the full time position in January, so it's technically a 2015 thing. I love my boss, I love my co-workers, I hate when co-workers I get along with leave. I love doing creative problem-solving and research projects. Mundane filler stuff is cool too, once I get into the flow. Learning how to make proper phone calls has been rad. Using my shitty jokes on people and having them laugh has been double rad. Receiving praise= awesome. Successfully training other juniors= hell yeah. Work is going pretty swell at the moment.
With that also comes general anxiety butt-kicking from relearning how to get out in the world, talk to people all day 5 days a week, little things I've mentioned before such as going down the road to get lunch and not being terrified of talking to the staff behind the counter. I can even go see friends after work now. And do stuff all weekend. I don't need several days of recovery any more! To understand why this is such a big deal for me: two years ago I did a 3 hour course 2 days a week for maybe 2 months and couldn't handle and quit despite the fact I was going with a friend. Getting up at 5:30am every day to go to work for 8 hours then get a train for 1.5 hours then get up and do it again the next day would have been beyond incomprehensible for 18 year old me. I am still in complete shock over this, which is probably why I keep talking about it.
If you're suffering with depression, anxiety or other disorders that prevent you from living a 'normal' life by societal standards and are reading this like 'Shit, where's my magic solution then?' My answer is: your magic solution may just be time. Mine was. I had to go through four very difficult years from my lowest point to now. As my mum put it though, being so successful and proud of myself now is 'making up for lost time'. One day you will get there, and your answer may be in a chance job offering, a life-changing word of advice, therapy, who knows. There's no one-trick solution, duh. You know that, I know that. And I still have days where I'm like, 'Crap, I need some time'. And that's cool. One of the most important things I learnt is how to communicate to others when you're feeling overwhelmed or just not very talkative. You can't let them know exactly what you're feeling, but as time goes on you will learn your own signs and triggers and in turn what works to get you calm and back in the swing of things. Maybe you just need to unplug your work phone from the wall and get a glass of water. Articulate to those around you that you need a moment, and hopefully they get it. Take as much time as you need to take care of you.

But yes back to point A: Suddenly having this job and finding out that I'm good at it and not scared shitless of it (there were some points at the beginning I was of course and it did take one bout of crying off my eyeliner in the bathroom to get through it, these days happen) has led to other opportunities besides the obvious benefit of the weekly paycheck. Benefits such as those I listed above. Yes. Tying off this section now.

The iffy let's-casually-step-around-this topic of money comes next. Money is great and money is evil. Whatever. Here's what's been great:
Buying gifts for my loved ones. Incredible. I love it. Spoiling all my friends and family rotten, finally! I especially love suddenly buying a pair of sneakers for Adam or going on holiday and bringing back fancy chocolates for my mum. My favourite thing about having more moolah has been buying things for the people I love, 100%.
Buying things for myself that I used to rely on others for kind of ties into that too. Paying for my own train trips and buying and paying off my own phone have been huge ones.
Aaand of course, spoiling myself. Hah. My previous boss said to me that once I got this second job she noticed my instagram photos were less photos of me and more photos of things I had bought lately, and she was totally right! I don't like to be too frank about money, it's rude, but the numbers are important to show how impactful this has been for me: I used to assign myself $50 to spend a week. $50. And it was often less especially if I was paying off food or phone related expenses. You all know I was a big thrifter last year and the year before. It wasn't just for the cool edgy 'I own this and no one else does' factor- I couldn't afford new clothes.
Now, my top obsessions are basically hair, make up and clothes, when I boil it down. I like toys and punk rock and whatever too, but style and street fashion is really my thing. So having disposable income to collect new clothes to play with... Very satisfying for my materialistic and image-oriented soul. I've made a steady transition into the romagyaru substyle this year that I didn't really plan- I wasn't sitting around last year going 'God I wish I was wearing florals and high heels'. Having the available option to experiment with my style more than ever lead me to my first Liz Lisa dress- and then my second, and third, and then Ank Rouge, and then Penderie. When I think real hard about it I come up with the solution that I feel I'm maturing and the gyaru style embodies a cute-loving adult, whereas pop, fairy and spank! styles are more playful and kiddie. But again as I've discussed in a previous post, I can never really put my finger on why my style evolves the way it does and I have an even foggier perception of where it's headed next. I could be a gothic lolita next month. I really don't know.

I was also able to go on holiday to Melbourne with Adam this month. Incredible. Paid for flights accom and food all on our own. Adam and I were living in a friends living room in 2011. It's another pinch-myself moment. Adam started at his company as an ex-pizza deliverer, interning for free before being hired full time. In two years he has become the head of web development. His boss adores him. I'm ridiculously proud of him. Being able to share our successes with one another has been awesome.

Melbourne was incredible! We planned to meet up with way more friends than we did, and past me would have been really bitter that I missed out on seeing a few people. I had a huge rejection and cancelled-plans problem, like super huge. But I've realised that although shit happens, it's really important not to ignore the good stuff just cause something bad occurred. To keep going and say 'Oh well- let's do this anyway, or ask another friend what they're up to!' rather than crying in the hotel room and paying another $9.99 to use the wifi.

I was going to talk more about my Melbourne trip in this post but I want to talk about each day and post all the pictures so I'll save it for next time- we did a lot in 6 days and it was fantastic.

If you're wondering when I'm gonna finally get to the cons of money, well, I guess that's yet to come. And I know it's coming. Adam and I have to apartment-hunt and wedding plan now. We can't avoid those things because we're 'too busy with the engagement party or Melbourne organising' any more. I have been saving since January but I'm definitely going to need to start saving more. And then dipping into those savings, which will probably make me cry.
When tax and mortgages and rent and electricity and water and wedding become real, I'm going to start detesting money, I'm sure of it. But as an old friend of mine used to say: 'That's a problem for future me'.

Taffa stop talking about your job! Okay. What else has been awesome in 2015?

Uhh, my friends. Obviously.

It's a growing up thing, y'know, figuring out who your R.O.D.s are. I'd like to think I'm friendly and personable with just above everyone, but oh my god I am obsessed with my best friends. I kind of more have individual friends here and there rather than a big group, so I don't really have a favourite. I'm a lucky babby who gets several besties! I've had some pretty bad fall outs over my time so to have such great people around me this year has been the huge scrumptious cherry on top of everything else. I'm sorry to you all for not hanging as much while adjusting to my new schedule, but rest assured I think about and brag to others about how awesome y'all are constantly. Like literally on a daily basis.
A huge thing is that my best friend from high school had a baby girl in January! I've known Amy since we were 11 and 12 so to see her as a mum now blows my mind. Ellie is my favourite little thing in the whole wide world, I'm crazy about her. She could throw up on me and shit on me and cry and burp and throw up again and I'd still think that she's the happy little centre of the universe. I am so excited to watch her grow and I know that Amy is gonna be a tremendous parent. (Already is!)

I wanna wrap this post up because it's ridiculous. In summary, I'm working, I'm keeping my anxiety under control, I'm doing not too bad financially, I went on an awesome vacation, my friends are incredible, aaand:

I got a tattoo. That's a 2015~forever thing. Haha.

That incredible work is by Ally Riley at Dangerzone, Melbourne.

Okay! I'm finished! It's really important to keep track of the good stuff I think, I might find myself referring back to this post (and the others I've made along similar lines) if I find myself in a tight spot while going through this apartment and wedding nonsense. If you made it to this point, I'm sorry, not only because this post is very self-absorbed and probably boring, but also that I have no profound conclusion for you. But I hope you enjoyed the read anyway. I've got more (hopefully) interesting stuff planned for this bloggy soon. In particular my birthday and Melbourne trip posts as well as some clothes stuff. You know, the same old. Just that same Taffa Chitty vibe.

Thanks as always.

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Being 21

When I was in kindergarten, I walked up to the tallest person in the playground and asked what grade they were in. They said year 6. I was gobsmacked. School really went all the way up to year 6! Would I ever make it that far?
When I was 7 years old, my mum and I moved in with my dad. I went to a school that went all the way from prep to year 12. I remember getting a lot of dental work done and being scared and rebellious. Did a kid like me have a future?
When I was 10 years old we moved back to Australia and suddenly I was the weird foreign kid. I had all these new experiences to share but I was too strange for anyone to want to sit down and hear it. Would I ever find my place?
When I was 16 I cried after my birthday party and I didn't know why. I felt alone in a room full of friends and didn't know what I was feeling let alone how to express it. I soon found myself dropping out of high school and leaving home. Was this feeling going to eat me alive?
When I was 19 I tried to work and study and found I was still scared, and although I now had a better understanding of why I felt this way, I still didn't know how to control it. Could I ever have a normal life?
When I was 20, I got a casual job in a spare room of an office that would only last a couple of weeks. A manager asked to meet with me and told me of how the staff around me were praising my quick learning and good work ethic. She offered me a full time position in the company. Was I finally growing up?

I am 21.

I have been through and seen so much in my short life, and just the thought of it all and that I got out alive blows my mind. Healing took a long time but I am here now, I am finally one with myself. I don't think I've found my final place of belonging but rather the road to that place, open doors I never thought I'd see, hope I never thought I could have.

I want to sincerely thank my mother for being the one constant in my life. We have had tremendous highs and plummeting lows but through it all we have always been by each others sides and I feel so lucky and blessed to have you as my mum. I never felt like I was missing anything even when it was just you and me in a granny flat. I strive every day to be half of the generous, graceful, funny woman you are, to have as much humility and compassion for others, I am always in awe of your selflessness and what you have sacrificed for me and I can only hope that I am finally making you proud. Even when we fight you are perfect, even when we disagree I adore you, I cannot imagine my world without you and I thank you, I thank you with everything I have for loving me the way you have.

I want to thank my fiance Adam for being endlessly patient, loving, caring and kind with me. You have loved me at my worst and now we will go forth at our best. I'll never truly believe that I deserve you but I am going to hold onto you with everything I've got. I will never be able to thank you enough for the way you have supported me and stuck by me. I would never have made it through these past four years without you, not a chance in hell. I love you.

I want to thank Amy, Audrey and Bonnie for making me feel like a princess. Thank you for restoring my faith in friendship. You are all beautiful and I am literally always telling people how much I love you guys. I'm blessed to have met you three and I am so happy we can all be friends together- and on that note let's all have many more lunch dates in the future.

Finally I will thank anyone that's ever been kind to me here on the world wide web- if you're wondering if this is about you it is. Sometimes online friends are all I have and you have all been stellar. I'm sorry for being so annoying on twitter. I want to especially mention Lama, Ariel, Ashley, Ruth and Kiko.

Today I got to have lunch with my closest friends and tomorrow my coworkers are taking me out, then I am having dinner with my family. I feel blessed, I feel loved. I am happy.

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