There's this kind of endless cycle you find when you get lonely. Because you're alone you find it easy to get sad, and there's no one around so it's easier to get caught up in your own emotions. And then you're sad because you're alone. It goes both ways.
I have maybe 4 or 5 friends. That sounds like heaps I guess but one lives a 2 day train trip away, one lives a 2 hour train trip away, and the others live 1 or more hours train trip away. Then they're busy with study or work, so I get to see them even less. Which is another reason to feel sad because they're busy doing things like that whereas I'm not really working or studying at the moment.
It's not something I can just ignore so I can 'get on with my life' because it surrounds me. Sitting in my room by myself for long enough, it becomes something that just constantly and silently nags. You're lonely. You're lonely. You're lonely. People find it hard to be your friend. The people that are okay with who you are live far away and are busy being more successful than you. People don't even like you on the internet anymore. You're pathetic. You're lonely. You're lonely.
And then it becomes harder to wake up, to leave the room. So it becomes a circle again. You're lonely because you're sad. You're sad because you're lonely. You're tired because you're sad. You're lonely because you're tired.
Today I'm meeting up with one of those friends I get to see very rarely. We always cancel on each other because of work, weather, poor planning, whatever. I'm very excited to see her. I can't wait to tell her how much the meeting means to me.
Here's a playlist. I didn't realise how many mash ups and rap I've been listening to lately.